It’s early in the morning. You shouldn’t have to be thinking about manhunts or suspect chases. You should be thinking about breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and it can be the most delicious. Here’s my definitive ranking of breakfast foods. Note, not going to rank individual meats because bacon would win, and it wouldn’t be fair.
10. Leftover Pizza - Think this isn’t breakfast food? Think again. I can’t count how many times I had leftover pizza for breakfast, whether cold or heated up in the toaster oven. Something about pizza that’s inviting for any meal. People have actually experimented by making actual breakfast pizza. It’s an intriguing concept, although I’ve never tried it before. Maybe I should.
9. Raisin Bran Crunch - Regular raisin bran is good because raisins are the perfect sweetener for boring old bran flakes. Raisin Bran Crunch adds on that with all those funky granola things, and it’s divine. It’s the perfect addition of sweetness and texture to an already great cereal.
8. Krispy Kreme Glazed Donuts - Preferably, you want these right off the conveyor belt. Donuts are a quintessential on-the-go breakfast food, but Dunkin’ Donuts are too cakey and greasy. Really, you don’t wanna be bogged down by something too heavy. The hot glazed numbers are light, portable, sweet, and satisfying. Grab two and a cup of coffee (preferably NOT from KK, since their coffee is ass) and you’re good to go.
7. Cracker Barrel Hash Brown Casserole - Potatoes? Cheese? Bacon? All baked together in one convenient dish? I could eat this as a main course and be satisfied. It may shorten your lifespan by a few months per serving, but you’ll at least be happy when you eat it.
6. Bacon, Eggs, and Toast - Simple, tasty, all-American. This is what most people think of when their minds wander towards classic breakfast, and it’s for good reason. It’s hearty, fatty, and keeps your motor running all day long.
5. Creamed Chipped Beef - I honestly don’t know where this dish is local to outside of Philadelphia, but I’m glad we have it here. For those who don’t know, it’s dried beef cooked in a cream sauce and served over whatever kind of starchy thing you want to serve it over - toast, biscuits, bagels, home fries, even waffles. So good.
4. Pancakes - Look, I know people love their waffles and French toast, but neither stand up to the almighty glory that is the pancake. It’s lighter and fluffier than the waffle, and really, there’s something texturally off about French toast. In addition to being great on its own, you can put all kinds of stuff in pancakes too. Chocolate chips, fruit, peanut butter… it’s so versatile.
3. Grease Truck Breakfast Sandwiches - Breakfast sandwiches are nothing new, really. Everywhere has their own, but the kind you get from food trucks in the city are the superior article. Basically, they’re some variant of egg, cheese, and a meat on a long roll (hoagie/sub roll). It’s the next evolution of #6, mainly because cheese is involved and the bread is better. White toast is fine, but why have that when you can have a sandwich on a crusty Italian roll?
2. Breakfast Burritos - There has been backlash against burritos, and I blame shitty fast food outlets for that. However, when you can combine one of the best ethnic foods (Mexican or Tex-Mex) with breakfast ingredients, you have to do it. Besides, everyone knows that peppers and onions go well with eggs.
1. Latkes - I had the latkes at Blue Moon Cafe in Baltimore, and they changed my life. Obviously, they were at the peak of what the latke could be, but at the same time, potatoes are an essential breakfast food. I’ve already noted how regular pancakes can be so versatile, and with potato as the canvas, the palette of ingredients expands a thousandfold. If you can have latkes for breakfast, have latkes for breakfast.
Honorable Mentions: Cocoa Puffs, Eggs Neptune, S’mores Pop-Tarts, Cinnamon Buns, Quiche Lorraine
Drink of choice: Coffee. Leave your OJ in the fridge.